sometimes i'm not okay
at times, i get the impression that just because i don't have a boyfriend and not plagued with jantan kebret situations anymore, my life is stress free. smooth sailing and carefree. therefore why the need to indulge myself in the things i've recently picked up? like, "eh kau takde problem dengan matair per, buat apa nak sebok2 buat benda ni semua?"
you see, nowadays more often than not i spend time by myself. at home or wherever. so only i know the types of inner conflicts that i grapple with daily. just because i don't have a screwed up love life anymore doesn't mean i'm all happy happy joy joy. i worry. a lot. and i don't tell these things to people cos by doing so the emotions that i have will manifest in me more. and i end up worrying more.
i don't do these things to fit in. fuck fitting in. i'm not 14 anymore. sometimes i deal with problems the easiest and most accesible way i know. when talking to friends fail, i indulge in these things. but i have control and i know my limits.
don't you say i don't need to do these things. nobody knows what i really need. cos nobody knows me that well. nobody knows how i feel every second of every hour of everyday. so don't you say "kalau kau tak stress tak payah buat benda gini sudah. only people with real problems aka boyfriend/girlfriend problems should do this." because nobody knows the inner turmoil or varying emotions that i go through everyday. nobody knows to which extent my sadness has been sometimes. so no one can tell me what i should or should not do.
i take pride in not judging people by their actions. that, i've learnt well. i get pissed with people but in the end there's no hate. because like oprah said you are not your mistake. therefore don't judge me by measuring what i've done and what i do.
"Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken." Rosseau
p.s. i would really appreciate it if no one talks to me about this. because what i've said above is not meant as a discussion. it's a statement. or declaration. therefore case closed and we're done. if you still wanna ask, i won't answer.
p.p.s. i wasn't pissed. i was frustrated and needed to vent it out.
p.p.s. this piece wasn't meant for anyone in particular and it was from a general point of view. so sila jangan sensitive and think i'm talking about you. leave all the sensitivity to me. i'm good at being sensitive as you can all see.
