when the gloom of night descends
[ earbuzz : everytime you go away - brian mcknight ]
i've missed ya babe. awesome awesome time yesterday. see you at bugis market next ok.
got home. showered. on the bed, reading 'sideways'. and then, inexplicably my vision blurred. first the tears were just there, not quite flowing. then they came gushing out. in torrents.
seems like everybody has somebody. i'm glad things worked themselves out in relationships. i'm thrilled. everybody's where they should be. or who they should be with. but now what happens?
i'm not needed anymore, that's what happens. nobody needs me around anymore. when the other half beckons, i'm left lying on the wayside all by myself. i'm always on the outside looking in. always the outsider, wanting to be a part of what everybody else is doing. wanting to taste a bit of what a relationship has to offer. but always too scared to risk it. to give everything away.
i had a funny vision. a funny metaphor for the very un-funny situation i'm in. if the world was made up of vegetables instead of humans, everyone else would be the broccolis and cauliflowers and green pepper and everything else enriching. i would be the wilting taugeh that nobody wants. i swear that's how i felt last night.
i'm kidding myself to think that i wouldnt have these feelings again. i guess these thoughts have always been there, just swimming underneath the surface. some nights they appear more resoundingly, triggering the tears and disillusionment.
i dont wish to talk about this anymore so dont ask if you see me. dont call me asking what this is all about.
i'm fine. i'm always fine.
