i miss you bhav!
talked to bhavani on the phone just now for an hour or so. i miss the sewel one sooooooo much! we caught up on all the gossips, backstabbing, depression and madness that'd happened to our lives for the past 3 years. she's been happily attached to remesh for 4 years already. good for them.
me on the other hand... believe me you, i do want to open up. i do want to know what it feels like to be loved so deeply and madly. i do want the comfort of knowing i will always have someone to watch movies with. i want to see someone's eyes light up when i enter the room and vice versa. i do.
then why is it so fuckin hard.
why is there always a solid fortress built around me that nobody can get thru. why do i feel undeserving when someone likes me for who i am. why does THAT always happen. why dont i give people a chance. why do i take 2 steps back when someone moves a step forward. why do i feel left out in the cold when someone moves on without me.
i want to fall in love but i'm scared to. what if i do and then i get hurt? is it true then, better to have loved and hurt rather than not love at all? will the hurt be worth it all?
i want what awin has with yan. jila with chard. bhav with remesh. i want all that and yet i feel i dont deserve it. i feel undeserving because guys shouldnt be with a girl who feels likes this.
i'm scared. i'm scared of growing old without ever feeling what it's like to feel loved and being in love. as much as i have a nonchalant attitude about relationships, i'm beginning to realise i'm missing out a lot.
i'm truly happy being by myself. but i want so much more.
first prize to anyone who can tear down that fortress.
